You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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