In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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