I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
