I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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