I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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