EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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