life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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