I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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