TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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