When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
