there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
