Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
