mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize