NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
