It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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