Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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