You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you had me at cake vodka
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
