Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
