the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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