i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
