I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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