Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
