i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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