I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
