Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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