I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
