He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Dignity is for republicans.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
