It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
