Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
