My liver just broke up with me...
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
