Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
