I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Houston, we have a blender
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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