Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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