Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
