okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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