Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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