happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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