my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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