just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
