she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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