Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize