my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
you made out with another girl for some wings
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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