I look better un-naked...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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