She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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