If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
