At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
