I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
