the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
