i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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