Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize