i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
