Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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