maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
