he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
