Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
