u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
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