Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
