if i can run in heels then i can drive
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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