dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize