he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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