my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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