There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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