I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
